最難做的事

THE HARDEST THING

The day my fiancé fell to his death, it started to snow, just like any November day, just like the bottom hadn’t fallen out of my world when he fell off the roof. His body, when I found it, was lightly covered with snow. It snowed almost every day for the next four months, while I sat on the couch and watched it pile up.

One morning, I shuffled downstairs and was startled to see a snowplow clearing my driveway and the bent back of a woman shoveling my walk. I dropped to my knees, crawled through the living room, and back upstairs so those good Samaritans would not see me. I was mortified. My first thought was, how would I ever repay them? I didn’t have the strength to brush my hair, let alone shovel someone’s walk.

Before Jon’s death, I took pride in the fact that I rarely asked for help or favors. I defined myself by my competence and independence. So who was I if I was no longer capable and busy? How could I respect myself if all I did was sit on the couch every day and watch the snow fall?

Learning how to receive the love and support that came my way wasn’t easy. Friends cooked for me and I cried because I couldn’t even help them set the table. “I’m not usually this lazy,” I wailed. Finally, my friend Kathy sat down with me and said, “Mary, cooking for you is not a chore. I love you and I want to do it. It makes me feel good to be able to do something for you.”

Over and over, I heard similar sentiments from the people who supported me during those dark days. One very wise man told me, “You are not doing nothing. Being fully open to your grief may be the hardest work you will ever do.”

I am not the person I once was, but in many ways I have changed for the better. The fabric of my life is now woven with gratitude and humility. I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one’s worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender.

【日積月累】

◇Samaritan n. 撒馬利亞人；心地善良樂于助人的人

◇mortify v. 使苦惱

◇sentiment n. 態度，情緒，意見（的表示）

◇gratitude n. 感謝的心情

◇incredible adj. 難以置信的

【參考譯文】

最難做的事

我未婚夫去世的那天，天開始下著雪，就像11月的天氣一樣，就像我的世界并沒有因為他從房頂上摔下去都垮塌。當我找到他的尸體時，上面蓋著薄薄的一層雪。接下來的4個月幾乎每天都下雪，而我就坐在沙發上看著雪慢慢堆積起來。

一天早上，我拖著步子走下樓梯，驚訝地看到一臺掃雪機正在清掃我的車道，還有一個女人正彎腰鏟去走道上的雪。我難堪極了。我跪在地上，爬過起居室，回到樓上，好讓這些熱心人看不到我。我最先想到的是：我該怎樣才能回報他們？我連梳頭發的力氣的沒有，更不用說幫別人鏟雪了。

在喬恩去世前，我以鮮向他人索要幫助為榮。我覺得自己能干而且獨立。如果我不再能干，不再忙碌，那我又是誰？如果我成天就坐在沙發上看下雪，那我又哪來自尊？

學會接受別人給我的愛和支持并不容易。朋友們給我煮飯，我卻哭了，因為我連擺桌子都不能做。“我平常沒這么懶，”我哭著說。我的朋友凱瑟坐在我旁邊對我說：“瑪麗，煮飯給你吃不是苦差事。我愛你所以愿意這么做。能為你做點什么我很高興。”

一次又一次，我從那些幫助我度過那段黑暗日子的人們嘴里聽到相似的安慰。有一個非常睿智的人告訴我：“你并不是無所事事。盡情釋放你的悲傷也許是你做過最艱難地事。”

我已經不再是從前的我了，很多方面我變得更好了。我的生活是由感恩和謙卑交織而成的。我很驚奇地了解到，如果面對過自己最痛苦的最可怕的經歷，并堅強地挺過來，你會感受到難以置信地自由。我相信在放棄中缊藏著力量。

【人生啟迪】

每個人都會遇到人生的低谷，但是那段時期里默默幫助我們的好心人就像是隧道盡頭的光芒，給我們力量讓我們堅持到最后。舉手之勞也許就能改變別人的命運，相信如何權量難不倒你。